if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
