Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
