Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
