I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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