either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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