the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
