Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
