Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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