I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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