BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
