I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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