Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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