I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
