Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize