Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
