Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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