good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
