I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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