The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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