I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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