i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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