I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
