Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
