Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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