Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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