so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Panties = found
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
