I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
