Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
