I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
