i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So squirting runs in the family.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
