Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I need to sanitize my soul.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
