end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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