where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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