we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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