I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
