I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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