I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
