if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
