Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
