i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
