eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
