I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
