he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
