everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
