Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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