If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
