Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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