there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
