Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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