yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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