I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize