We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
