Will you blow on my dice?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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