So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize