god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
