he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
