You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
His nipple licking is glorious
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