He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
