Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
